Films & Television, Society & Culture, Strictly Humorous, Uncategorized

The Soapmaker

There is a bug in my head. A real crawling bug, that gives me crazy ideas, not unlike the devil, whispering seductive nothings in my ear. This time I had an idea of developing an application. I am usually never at home to undergo the saccharine torment of television. I come in very late, and leave as soon as I can. This helps a great deal. However there are those unfortunate circumstances when I have to endure the agony of it. In a decade of this treatment, I have grown immune to the whole thing, and interestingly somewhat knowledgeable. So the idea that struck me was coming up with a script generator! How cool would it be for producers to do that. Here is a brief idea on how to go about creating this application. I have thought of some basic features. Hopefully my readers can add a few more.

purple_rabbit_soap

Soap Queen

Characters

Well lead characters by default would be all women. Every character would have an evil-meter next to her profile. So you just type a name ( or select from sanskrit names database suggestion, there could even be a thematic selection menu  that lets you select names from famous historical scripts. However this will also create automatic story-line, and character formation, so if you don’t want that, you have to uncheck this. ) After selecting a name, you can just select the level of evil with a handy bar next to the profile. If you keep it on 100%, you would get the undying, re-incarnating Saas, and at 0% you would get the self sacrificing Bahu. The evil bar will be inversely proportional to Tear-bar. The more evil, the lesser tears. However in custom menu you can easily make the Evil Saas cry ( although they would only be crocodile tears, and the software would recommend not adding too many of them). All profiles will have an expiry date next to them. After this date, they have to die, get abducted or simply disappear without a reason. In case of important characters there would be just an update scheduled which would mean a new actress playing the part from that date. This is a helpful feature that would keep producers happy. Moving on, the next comes story generation.

Storyboard 

The basic Story can be selected out of the menu given below.

  • Evil Vs. Good
  • Revenge Saga
  • Problematic Love
  • Social Evil Glorification
  • Girl with dreams making it big

( At a premium package, people can choose all of them, and come up with a mother-of-all story-line that will surely go for more than 5000 episodes.)

Once the basic story-line has been selected, producers will have to enter the setting and tone of the whole story. This is very important to create dialogues. This will be a bit complex selection, and producers will have to get accustomed to it. However with tutorials on YouTube, it shouldn’t be more difficult than basic Excel. So it would be something like what is given below.

  • Completely Village Based- ( Dialogues would be in crude language)

*This will be highlighted by default if someone selects Social Evil Gratification.

  • Semi Urban ( Dialogues in Normal Hindi)

* By default option if you select Girl with dreams…

  • Ultra Rich ( Dialogues in Normal Hindi & English with a lot of Hinglish)

* By default option if you Good Vs. Evil or even Problematic Love. The producers would be warned that this will be expensive for production, which is the next feature of the software.

Production

Now based on the data provided, there would be auto generation of shooting locations and costumes etc. This will be a propriety code, and users can only see the output. It would be something like this. Based on your choices “Social Evil Glorification” & ” Completely Village Based”, your production details are:

  • Sets: Rajasthani | Gujrathi | Punjabi ( special deals on Rajasthan)

Please note, selection of sets, automatically alters the dialects of the characters, as well as the costumes.

  • Jewelry Meter : Normal- Gaudy- Second Sun Glitter
  • Cars & Watches: Proportionate to the jewelry selected.

There would be many other features launched from time to time. It may include special item sales portal linked to the software. This brings us to the final, and most important feature. This would be the decider.

Twist-O-Meter 

Obviously every good story needs a lot of twists and insane logic. So this special feature would randomly put twists in the story. The intensity of twists can be selected first. It would have following options.

  • Rocky ( a minor twist every now and then like accidents, amnesia etc)
  • Terrible ( A little heavier with abduction, sudden re-appearance, extra marital affair discovery etc)
  • Ultra Obscene ( Multiple Extra Marital Affairs, warning: Lead character turning into vamp, vamp turning into lead character is a possibility )
  • Requiem ( A confirmed death, Memories of Past life, Re-incarnation, Time-Skip, basically almost supernatural)

The Twist-O-Meter would be linked to the TRP ratings of the show, and if the ratings go down, it would automatically suggest that there is a need of a level one up in the meter. On confirmation it would do so immediately. The Twist-O-Meter would be a fantastic feature, able to change the whole script dynamically, and is the center of this concept.

———————————————————————————

Now isn’t that just wonderful? I am sure I would be very rich if I really make this. But this reminds me of a little incident in ancient Greece. There was an inventor who had invented a design for a steam boat back in the BC’s , and he went to the king, all excited about his discovery. The king was pleased. He said ” No doubt it’s a great invention, but you see, if we put this engine in our boats, where will all the slaves go?” and thus the world lost it’s chance of an early advancement in technology. It seems fair though, human life was at stake. Perhaps even the Soapmaker would never see the light of the day, keeping in mind the future of our slaves, er I mean the writers. But let it be known throughout the world, that there was a brilliant idea that had potential to change the world as we know it, or whatever.

Peace, Love, Pink Floyd

by Harshad Karmalkar

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